A 31 (year-old) Woman

That's not me. It's just a picture of a woman with her arms wide open to the sky. But it fits, right?

As my 31st birthday approaches (this Friday!), the "Proverbs 31 woman" has been on my mind quite a bit. I guess this is cliche since it seems the topic has been exhausted by women's Bible studies, devotionals, books, podcasts, sermons, etc., in recent years. For many, this Biblical paragon is an elusive model of Christian womanhood that brings with it a tinge of bitterness....but I believe that is a mischaracterization we can attribute to the downfall of sin, as with many other Scriptural misinterpretations (read: http://churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/161344-aubry_smith_why_i_hate_the_proverbs_31_woman.html). It's tempting to feel intimidated by the poetic representation of a woman who appears to "do it all", as verse 29 states:

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  Proverbs 31:29

She is a woman of talent and character, hard-working and always putting the good of others before her own... she seems perfect, too good to be true. And perhaps she is. A tiny notation on these verses (Proverbs 31:10-31, "The Wife of Noble Character") states: "Verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem, the verses of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet." Ah ha! These verses are poetic -- symbolic, even! This isn't a representation of a real woman, it's just a collection of admirable attributes, individual character traits arranged in alphabetical order towards which we might strive, clever and pretty-sounding.... like a Dr. Seuss poem.... right??

While that would be an easy out, I'm inclined to think not. God never expects less than perfection. In fact, He requires perfection, which is exactly what we cannot achieve. On our own. He sent his perfect Son, Jesus, to achieve it for us. Even the Proverbs 31 woman knows this, because she is a woman "who fears the Lord", and "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10). She cannot become "a wife of noble character" on her own. She does not wake up every morning with a checklist to "bring good, not harm, all the days of her life." No, she begins with the fear of the Lord, the summation and binding factor of any praiseworthy deed. She is trusting in His provision to bring to completion the work He has begun (Philippians 1:6). And beginning with that trust, she can do all things in His strength.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

As I approach turning 31, I feel overwhelmed by all that I cannot do. This feels like a much larger hurdle than turning 30 last year. Even entering a new decade was not as daunting as approaching motherhood of three children 4 and under, while running a freelance design business, maintaining a functioning household, fostering personal relationships, and "extending my hands to the needy." These are all things the Proverbs 31 woman achieves. And still "she can laugh at the days to come"! Laughter is not the first thing that comes to mind when I anticipate the days ahead... unless it's the kind of hysterical laughter that accompanies insanity. But my fearful approach is not rooted in the fear of the Lord. He is the giver of all good things -- the greatest of these being our salvation in Christ -- and with the ransom He has paid comes an unquenchable hope, an undying joy. Suffering is inevitably a part of the Proverbs 31 woman's life, though this section of the poem does not recount it in detail. But, even knowing struggles will come, she can live without worry or anxiety, because she knows in Whom her strength is found.

"Not only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:3-4

So, as I welcome 31 and all that may accompany it, I am armed with this timely reminder of the 31 woman. Hers is a high calling, and a worthy one. And not so intimidating when I cease relying on my own strength to accomplish the "good works, which God prepared beforehand..." (Ephesians 2:10). These traits of "a wife of noble character" are achievable and it is very good to have a model (alphabetized in Hebrew, no less) by which to recount them. Will I achieve them all this year? Not likely. Perhaps not even all in my lifetime, if that is not the plan God has laid for me. But I will cease to fear the task laid before me, fearing the Lord instead, and rejoice in the sufferings -- and the hope -- that come along the way.

Am I There Yet?

When I was young (like, elementary school young), being in my thirties sound so old. Practically middle aged. Only parents are in their thirties. Being in your thirties means you're really an ADULT. An old fuddy-duddy. Until a certain point, in your late teens maybe, when "your thirties" take on a sort of futuristic glamour. In my thirties, I'll be settled, secure, stylish, confident. All the magazines say so. Oh, and rich. Definitely rich. The teenage years are for angst; your twenties for exploring and self-expression. But the thirties... by then, you'll have everything figured out. Right?

Reality check: I turned 30 six months ago. And I keep asking myself: have I hit those magical "thirties" yet? I think if I have to ask, then the answer is probably no. I still question pretty much every decision, from what I eat for breakfast to what clothes I wear and how I parent my children or communicate with my spouse. I'm still not quite sure what my personal style is, or even if I've decided what my favorite color is. Today. Because, it could all change tomorrow or next week. I do recognize in personality a bit of a romantic penchant for reinventing myself, and I'll just chalk up to my artistic soul, but it certainly doesn't help when I decide I'm old enough to really figure out who I am.

But the more I ask myself these questions and look for where I'm fitting into that "perfect 30" mold, these less confident I feel in how far I've come. Because, in 30 years, I'm bound to have figured out something.... right? HA If I have to ask, the answer is probably no. I still have many of the same flaws I've struggled with since youth; I still have a hard time saying 'no' (I'm a chronic people-pleaser); I struggle with focus and clarity in decision-making; and I'm always better at starting a project than finishing it. Am I confident in what these traits make me as a person? Nope. And I don't think I should be. I think life is about striving for better. Not necessarily more (the flaw of the American dream), just better. Because that is what God calls us to be.

"For it is written: be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:16

Sounds like it gets a lot harder, rather than easier. Like running a marathon, rather than a race. And there's a lot more humility before the finish line than there is confidence. So, the magazines were wrong. I know my flaws better now than I did when was 20, though I'm not quite sure that makes me any more secure or successful as a person. So are we really surprised that Cosmo got it wrong (again)? Not really. A magazine will never give you a standard higher than self. If anything, I've lost more of my "self" than I've gained in the last few years and that's truly a positive. As we die to self, leaving behind the trappings of the world we were born into, we become more alive in Christ (1 Timothy 4:7, Galatians 3:27). 

It's still so easy to get caught up in that dream self-image -- the sexy, confident, beautiful reflection we long to see. But it's also easy to get bogged down in the failures. The ways we don't live up or our dreams don't pan out. Our calling is beyond both of these. Learning and growing in Christ, not just in the ways of personal style, or parenting expertise, or artistic mastery. All of those things are well and good, but a full life will never be found solely in them. Falling out of love with self, and in love with Him is our life's purpose. And it's hard. It probably will continue to feel like I'm struggling with my sense of self and decision-making. I will probably still be wondering 10 years from now (in the dreaded "fourties") if I've finally found my place. But I'm pretty sure all that questioning, struggling, and striving just means I'm doing it right. Losing the battle of self means relying on the Lord for answers. Trusting in His providence above all else. And that's thriving.

"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

Keeping Up Appearances

Back in April, a friend and I hosted a women's only, 2-day seminar on the subject of beauty, health and appearances. We were inspired by a webinar from the Botkin sisters called Reclaiming Beauty. The topic never gets old. In our materialistic American culture especially, the vanities of appearance and the idol of beauty are rampant; they have delved their way so deeply into our consciousness that we almost cannot separate what God calls us to be as women and what secular customs have dictated. So where does God's design begin and our call to pursue beauty end?

My friend and I quickly realized as we prepared for this seminar that the subject matter was far greater in depth than we had initially planned for. Especially for women. I'm not dismissing the fact that men are called to care for their health and appearance as well, but it does not seem to affect them emotionally and spiritually in the same way it does the "fairer sex" (this idiom proves my point). Women find value in their appearance in ways intimately tied to their self-worth and cultural value. The way a woman dresses or feels about her appearance will affect her mood, her actions and therefore the way she influences those around her. At the same time, focusing on the way she feels about herself (rather than sacrificing self for the service of others as we are called to do) can lead to a downward spiral of self-pitying egocentricity, narcissism and possibly depression.

The Bible points to the beauty of the female form (Song of Solomon; Psalm 139:14) and the praiseworthy nature of the physical body we are given by God; while simultaneously warning against the dangers of relying on these external features (1 Timothy 2:9-10; 1 Peter 3:3-4). Proverbs 31:30 says "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Clearly the nature of true beauty -- the beauty that is most pleasing to God -- does not come from external adornment or physical features. 1 Timothy 4:8 states: "Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next." Paul does not deny the value of pursuing physical fitness and health, but reminds us that exercise of the spirit is the more valuable pursuit.

Scripture truly gives us direction as to where are to find our value in this life -- and it is not in our appearance. We are called to pursue excellence, and to work at all things for God's glory (Col. 3:23-24). And the next time I am obsessing over the shape of my body in the mirror or bemoaning a thick thigh or a rounded stomach, I hope I can remember that this physical body does not define my identity as a child of God. It is a gift for which to be grateful, and a tool to be used in His service. He has given me a body to care for as "His temple" (1 Cor. 6:19-20); He has made it "fearfully and wonderfully" (Psalm 139:13) so that I might use it to serve Him.

As a woman, I will probably always be thinking about my sense of style, how I look or what I'm wearing (I don't love watching What Not to Wear for nothing!) It's something I enjoy and I think appreciation of beauty is God-given. The challenge is not valuing this awareness of appearance over my call to serve God with my appearance first. I could draw in several points right now about the modesty debate that always seems to be flying headlines across the blogosphere, but I'll try to keep it to a single point: we are to be responsible for the bodies God has given us in a manner that is pleasing to Him (not the world, not current fashion trends and not a set of rules about skirt length); HOWEVER, Scripture also points us to living a life that proclaims the Gospel in every word and deed. I think that includes how I look. Without saying a word, I want my physical appearance to convey that I am honoring God with my clothing, my make-up, my hair, my jewelry, etc. I don't think it's going to happen every day, but I believe He has given us the tools to make these decisions for His glory. This is not one of those "Christian liberty" topics where I can choose to bare more skin to the world because I am free from the guilt of sin. This freedom from guilt is what enables me to trust that God is working to spread His Truth in ways that I may not even be aware of -- and for me, that means keeping up appearances!

Recommended Reading

Letting Herself Go by Tim Challies
Does Female Beauty Matter? from Girls Gone Wise
Being Skinny is Not a Christian Virtue from Her.meneutics
A Numbers Game: Why Your Weight Shouldn't Matter from The Everygirl
Embracing Beauty by Trina Holden